Kim Bruce

I thought I would try to talk myself out of the walk this morning.   Thank God, I did NOT talk myself out of it. I did it.   And it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. Oh, the walk was hard (mostly up-hill in my area).  Overcoming my wanting to talk myself out of it was easier than I thought it would be.

There is a part of me, a tiny little voice in the back of my head that’s nagging me.  It’s saying,…

“yeah right… like you’ll make it past the first week!  You’ve done this before.. start walking for a few days, get motivated, ‘great’ intentions.. but you will quit!  The kids will need you for something and you’ll distracted, or your husband, or your clients…  And don’t you want to sit down and just feel sad about those shorts you’ll “never” wear again?”

The voice saying…..

“You can think about the days when you were lean and tan - those life-guard days… when you looked great in a swim-suit….  (Beat yourself up real good here…) those days when it wasn’t spent thinking what you can wear to hide the fat, but which cute outfit do you want to wear today?  How about those lilly white cottage cheese thighs??”

ENOUGH!  I will NOT LISTEN TO “THAT” voice TODAY!

TODAY… Today I walked. Today I am drinking water.  Today, I am eating healthy food. Today… I am not listening to that voice.  Today, I am listening to God’s voice that is saying…  “I love you, Kim.  You can do this.”

I can do this.

I have never blogged before. I have felt very alone and trapped in myself for a long time. When I found this site and took to my keyboard, I had no idea that anyone would even care.  I just started typing and didn’t look back.

Thank you to those of you who read my rant.  I had not intended to let all that out.  And yet, I feel like I suddenly have renewed strength and that God is answering my prayer to help me by giving me what I need to get control of my weight and through doing so, to deal with some of the emotional setbacks that I have experienced that in many ways caused me to stop caring about myself.

Please know that I know when it comes to emotional pain and personal losses, I am not alone.  I hope and pray that I can be as lifting to you all, as you have just been to me.

Thank you.

Today is my ‘Get Ready’ day.  Tomorrow, well… ‘tomorrow’ is the first day of the rest of my life. To be or not to be… to live or not to live. I have to make some changes. It’s hard, and it will get harder, no doubt.

Here I am, 40 years old. Back hurts, neck hurts, none of my clothes fit anymore. 25+ pounds gained in the last two years. Unhappy. Lost. Broken, without ‘my heart’s desire’. What has happened to me?  I DO know what happened.  Though I can’t really talk about it much. I have a great big hole in me. And it is consuming all that I am and can be.

25 pounds ago, my family moved to a small mountain town, bought some land, and built a house.  Land for my horse (my hearts desire).  A love from my childhood, as long as I can remember; the subject of almost everything I paint or sculpt.  My God-given passion - I do not know why horses have always been my passion. It has become clear that they are not what God intended for my life.

Life was hard, but I was happy.  And every day, at the start and the finish, regardless of life’s stresses, was my heart’s desire, my horse, Zip.  My husband and his parent’s idea for my kids a few years ago… became “my” heart’s desire. I fell in love with a big sweet horse that I truly believed loved me back.

When all else failed, when I was feeling low, or sad or defeated by the world, there was my heart’s desire… to run toward me across the pasture, the moment he saw me; the nicker in the barn, when I walked in for his morning feeding; that gentle nudge at my pockets when he just knew I had a carrot; the curious velvet nose that would suddenly appear in my way when I would hammer a nail to a broken fence, or drag in a clean bucket of water.  My life was in no way perfect… But my heart’s desire made it all worth it. I had long let go of that dream from my childhood, a time when I spent all my time in a barn.  A dream that marriage and kids took over; A dream that I had to let go of.  A dream that one day, when my mother & father in-law decided my daughter needed a horse… suddenly came back.

Then it all started happening.

The building of our home was a 14 month-long nightmare thanks to our builder (Trinity Custom Homes).  Before we finished, my 16 year old niece (my brother’s child) was brutally murdered by her stepfather.  (My brother -the black sheep- being in prison).  We took in my niece’s mother and two half-brothers — another nightmare - drug and alcohol addition… and the reality that my niece was better off dead than alive in the Hell she was living. (I never saw that one coming).  Later that same year, came the heart attack, my husband’s heart attack (36 years old).  He survived, thanks only to God. Only to be destroyed by a devastating real estate market, and overwhelming medical bills… we lost our 12 acre farm to foreclosure. Financially, physically, emotionally.. I have felt devastated and defeated.

And for the past year and a half, my heart’s desire, that I have clung to for dear life, the last remaining part of my dream, now resides in a boarding pasture, that I cannot afford.  The part of me that made everything ok somehow.  The one thing that help me find myself somehow. And I see him only now and then. And I cannot tell my husband how much I love and miss my horse, cause I can’t have him worrying (with everything else, stress of bills and supporting our family) that “I” am missing my horse that “we” cannot afford. And I feel guilty and selfish to even speak of my heart’s desire.

So I miss my heart’s desire in secret, in silence.  It has become a quiet and constant aching in my heart  It’s all my own. I own that pain.  And it eats at me all the time. And I hide my heart’s desire all the time. After all, my family is more important; the needs of my kids, the needs of my husband, my family.  Those needs trump my silly heart’s desire.

And so, here I am today.  I feel defeated. I don’t know if I can turn it all around.  I have been angry with God. I haven’t been able to pray in a long time. Today, is my “Get Ready” day.  Today I am reaching out to God. Today I am preparing for tomorrow. I don’t know what I will do about my heart’s desire, but I know that I cannot change that right now; And I know I have to save myself. No matter how sad I feel, I have to get a grip. I can’t continue on this course.

So, today, Sunday, May 24, 2009 is my “Get Ready Day”.  Tomorrow, I begin. And I will just have to trust God where “my heart’s desire” is concerned.  Please God, please don’t take my heart’s desire. Please, God, please help me to lose this weight, to become fit and healthy, in spite of the aching in my heart, in spite of losing my heart’s desire.

Tomorrow, I begin.